Supporting Your Neurodivergent Child During the Holidays
Tips from Dr. Jaclyn Halpern
1. “Can’t not Won’t”
Remember “Can’t Not Won’t” (Drs. Siegel and Payne Bryson) or “Kids do well if they can” (Dr. Ross Greene). If your child is struggling, lashing out, or avoiding demands, remember they are doing the best they can. These outward signs of dysregulation tell us are kids are having a hard time.
2. Set expectations and keep them flexible
Set expectations and keep them flexible - for yourself, for your kids, and for those you’ll be with during the holiday season. Prepare your kids ahead of time for what you’ll be doing and when. Talk about who will be there. Look at photos and videos or visit locations ahead when possible. Look at menus. Put events on the calendar. Prioritize the events and activities that matter most. And then, be ready to let your child say no, opt out, leave early, arrive late, etc.
Allow yourself to say no and treat yourself with compassion if things don’t align with your hopes. If possible, have babysitters or caregivers in mind if your child wants to opt out at the last minute, or if they are able, let them stay home alone if an activity just doesn’t work in the moment. If your child enjoys role playing or stories to help plan ahead, that’s great – use these tools and help them think about their needs in the situation.
3. Leave room for down time, relaxation, and reduced demands.
Be selective about which events and activities you say yes to, and let your child weigh in. Prioritize. Take lots of breaks. Don’t overschedule. Make sure your child has time to engage with their preferred activities and special interests. Think about what you want to ask of your child and what toll engaging in tasks or demands might take, so you can decide when to reduce demands.
And let yourself recharge too!
4. Know and speak up for your child’s needs (and yours too)!
For example, if family members want hugs or kisses, a specific response to a gift, or to engage in an activity that doesn’t work for your child (or that will take too much out of you given your child’s needs), remember that you can simply say no. For example, if people want to spend a holiday meal at a restaurant that you know will overwhelm your child, just say no – and maybe offer to pick up takeout instead!
If your child is unlikely to meet neurotypical expectations, prepare the gift givers/hosts/partygoers ahead of time and protect your child from being shamed. Such expectations include saying please and thank you; making eye contact; waiting their turn/not interrupting; waiting for gifts or food; interacting socially at a small or large gathering; sitting for a long time at a table; or smiling at an unwanted gift. These expectations can be taxing and force your child to mask during a time that is likely otherwise dysregulating. Importantly, do not force your child to make any kind of physical contact they don’t want to make (from hugs or kisses to fist bumps and handshakes). Let your child get up and walk away as needed. Don’t force your child to socialize. It’s ok to set boundaries and hold to them.
5. Reduce the likelihood of shame.
Along with setting boundaries to protect your child and prepping people who might not know what to expect, remember that the holidays can involve a lot of shame. From Santa’s naughty list, to Elf on the Shelf, Mensch on the Bench, and other holiday traditions that involve judgment for behavior, kids can feel a lot of pressure. Let your child know they are not being judged and that gifts, cheer, and celebration are unconditionally coming their way because they are lovable just as they are.
6. Lean into routines and familiarity
Lean into routines and familiarity whenever possible and remember that changes in routine are tough! Holidays are often very unstructured times, and this can be hard for our kids. If you are decorating and your child is sensitive to environmental changes, invite them to help. This can foster their sense of control and provide an opportunity for playful connection with you. Talk to them about the changes, and try to keep changes minimal, and take them slow.
7. Have an escape plan!
Let your kids take breaks whenever they need them. Plan ahead and talk with your child so they know where they can go and what they can do to take a break. This may mean visiting a place ahead of time, looking at photos or videos, talking with the host, being ready to take your child to the car or on a walk, or letting your child go to their room or another safe space in your home whenever they need to. Come up with a sign they can give you if they need help or an out. You can also give them “open” permission to go where they need to, as long as it is safe for them to do so. Be sure to discuss the nature of a *safe out* beforehand, including for example, letting you know they are taking one. Use your own escape plan if you get overwhelmed, as well!
8. Encourage participation in the ways that work for your child.
Maybe your child wants to do everything and maybe they want to do very little. That’s ok! Invite your child to participate and follow their lead on when they do and when they don’t.
9. It may be hard for your child to wait.
It’s ok to give gifts early, leave them unwrapped or unboxed, or prepare them ahead (e.g., build them for the kids if they’ll want that, install batteries, etc.) if waiting will be hard for your child.
10. Bring what your child needs!
This might include preferred activities, safe foods, transition or safe objects, sensory tools and toys (e.g., earphones or plugs, weighted blanket or vest, chews), or fidgets. Let your children use them whenever! If you are traveling, think about your child’s needs for the journey – along with setting expectations, work with them to identify what you can bring with you (e.g., for the airport/train station, for the plan/train/car, for the hotel room/relative or friend’s house).
11. Holidays can be overwhelming.
Keep in mind that the holidays can be overwhelming to the senses. Activities and places that are loud, bright, scented, and crowded may be quickly overstimulating to your child. They may even pick up on things you do not, so what seems manageable to you, may not be manageable to them.
12. Social gatherings, whether big or small, may be hard for your child.
The increased social demands of the holidays may be a lot for your child to handle. Don’t force socialization or interaction if it is too much for them. Your kids may have more fun at a gathering if they can wear their earphones, play on their own, and not feel pressured to interact.
13. Look and listen for signs that your child isn’t ok.
Keep a close eye on your child for tells they are starting to struggle, and then help them take a break, use a tool, or problem solve so they can stabilize. If your child communicates to you an area of need, struggle, or want, take them seriously and do what you can to support them.
14. Surprises may not work – even if they seem positive!
If your child has a wish list for gifts, use it to plan your buying and share it with others. And once again, set expectations for what will happen. Unless you know your child loves surprises, preparing ahead will likely reduce the likelihood of meltdowns.
15. Let go of traditions that don’t work and make new ones!
As hard as it can be when the holidays don’t live up to the images in our mind, we may need to lean into new traditions that work with our kids and their needs. Involve them in building fun traditions that feel comfortable and work for your family. Remember that it is ok to feel sad or disappointed if the holidays are not what you hoped they would be.
16. Big feelings might occur even if everything is going well.
Kids can be just as overwhelmed by excitement and joy as they can from anger and sadness. Feelings are big around the holidays and meltdowns and shutdowns may be inevitable – and that’s ok! Co- regulate with your kids to help them manage any tough moments. And remember – those safe places and their comfort objects. Take time for daily check ins and connection to build up their well of resilience and resources!
17. Remember, some things can be scary!
Along with new or uncommon sights, sounds, smells, people, activities, and places, some kids have big fears. The idea of Santa coming into the house in the middle of the night, a snowperson coming to life, or reindeer on the roof can be scary for some kids. It’s ok to be real with them, even if it takes away some of the traditional holiday magic.
18. Sometimes the magic lasts longer for neurodivergent kids.
On the other hand, some of our kids may love the magic of the holidays – they may believe in Santa or other holiday stories longer than similar aged neurotypical peers – and that’s ok! Enjoy and encourage their joy.
19. Keep in mind that we can’t see all the stressors.
Our kids may be stressed by things we can’t pick up on. For example, expectations and interactions at school may change around the holidays. Our kids may be feeling socially taxed by increased interactions, or they may be feeling isolated and alone if others are giving gifts or planning parties, if they are not included. Allow opportunities for your child to communicate with you about what’s going on and how they are feeling (if they are able to), and allow them ample time to decompress. If meltdowns and shutdowns occur, remember there is a reason, even if we don’t know what it is. Continuously greet your child with care and support.
20. Take care of yourself.
The holidays are tough on parents, too! There is so much prep and planning, so many big feelings, and a ton of highs and lows. It is ok if you don’t love the holidays, and it is ok if you do (same for your kids). You can say yes or no to things based on your needs, as well. Do what you love, share responsibilities, and leave space for your feelings. If you know what energizes you and gives you space to manage your children’s needs, engage as much as you can. And remember, helping yourself helps them too!
For better or worse, kids pick up on our energy – they know when we are stressed, frustrated, and annoyed, and our neurodivergent kids may be even more sensitive to this. If you are struggling, it is ok to reassure them that it isn’t about them, and that you’ll do what you need to take care of you. Ask for help if you need it and be gentle on yourself around how much you take on and what you expect of yourself.
These tips are intended as a general guide and are for general educational purposes. They are not intended as medical or mental health advice for any specific individual. For personalized help, we recommend talking to your providers. In case of emergency, please reach out to your local crisis services.